Please Let This Be Magic Mike’s Last Dance
Magic Mike’s Last Dance (Warner Bros., 2023)
By R.J.F.
There isn’t enough pop lockin’ dick in the world that could’ve saved Magic Mike’s Last Dance.
I will sometimes question what it is about terrible movies that I enjoy, but then I remember that I’m a big ol’ turd who is pretty easy to please. Speaking of big ol’ turds, Magic Mike’s Last Dance is a giant pile of flaming shit. It’s been a long time since I’ve seen a movie in the theater that made me contemplate asking for a refund, but Mike and his sad, pelvic thrusting made me almost become a “Karen” demanding my money back. You might be thinking that I got what I deserved for spending money on going to see this pile of cinematic garbage, but let me try to explain.
I didn’t see the first movie, Magic Mike, of the franchise (🙄) in the theater. I just wasn’t interested in watching it because it looked stupid. There was a lot of chatter about it, so I ended up watching it on TV. I wasn’t super impressed with it, but it was entertaining enough for me to not switch the channel. Again, I have a penchant for enjoying terrible movies.
I did see the second movie in the franchise, Magic Mike XXL, in the theater with my bff. I’m not going to lie; this one was actually decent. This is going to sound ridiculous because, let’s not forget, I’m talking about a movie that revolves around male strippers on a road trip to a stripping competition, but it also had a strong message about female empowerment and female pleasure. My bff and I left the theater feeling impressed and satisfied with the money we spent to see it.
Cut to a couple of months ago when we decided to give Magic Mike’s Last Dance a chance. We went to the theater, got settled in for a gyrating good time, and after 20 minutes we were whispering to each other about leaving. The trailer is totally misleading! It has the best, and I use that word lightly, parts in it.
Boy oh boy, this movie was dreadful! The first 15–20 minutes started off well enough. Mike, played by Channing Tatum, is summoned to give a lap dance to a lonely yet ridiculously wealthy, married MILF named Maxandra, played by Salma Hayek. When Maxandra asks him for a lap dance to make her feel better, Mike claims he “doesn’t do that anymore”, but after a couple of drinks, the two are grinding it out all over her mansion, which leads to them sleeping together.
After that 20 minutes, it became crystal clear that the plot was going to take a turn for the fucking stupid! For one, that character name, Maxandra, is beyond idiotic. Who the hell came up with that? I know it’s something small and dumb to be so hung up about, but it just added to the ridiculousness of the movie. Thandie Newton was originally supposed to play the role, and I’m wondering if they changed the name when they signed Hayek to take over because it sounds more Latina. Either way, barf.
The rest of the movie is a blur of atrocious plot points. There are so many that I can’t even get into all of them, but here’s one of the biggest: Hayek's character is practically bipolar. One minute she’s trying to sleep with Mike again, and the next she’s screaming at him for one thing or another, and then throwing a tantrum where she locks herself in her room. This role, as well as the rest of the female roles in the film, paints women in a terrible light.
To top it off, Tatum and Hayek have zero chemistry. Sure, the first 20 minutes were steamy and sexy, but after that, it’s clear that these two actors just didn’t mesh well. Maybe it was because they both knew they were on a giant turd going down the pipes, and it was too late to jump shit, I mean ship. I wonder, at what point did they both realize that this movie was going to suck a big one?
Maybe they didn’t know Magic Mike’s Last Dance was going to bomb. Maybe they were thinking that since the first two movies did relatively well, that this one would, too. Maybe they thought the allure of hip thrusts and tight, male asses in thongs would help the audience overlook the dialogue and plot. But, let me tell you, there isn’t a banana hammock strong enough to support this awful movie.
Magic Mike’s Last Dance (Warner Bros., 2023)