Bond 25: Death by Boredom
No Time to Die (MGM, 2021), Photo from IMDB.com
By. C. A. Ramirez
No Time to Die takes boredom to another level. Seriously. While I was watching it I was itching to watch any other Bond film. I would’ve even taken Moonraker over this mess.
Sean Connery rocketed the character to the world stage in 1959 and ever since, the James Bond 007 series has had incredible success. There were a few flops, but the broad collection is stellar cinema. No Time to Die, unfortunately, is a lukewarm entry that marks Daniel Craig’s departure from the series in a grossly unceremonious way.
The first hour is a rough ride. I made the mistake of pausing the movie, my crack pipe was in danger of falling off the coffee table, and the ten squirrels and surly badger that show up to watch movies were in need of some refreshments. I don’t have much they like, though they are fond of Ritz crackers, but I digress. I paused the movie and saw that we had another hour and forty-three minutes of runtime left. I was shocked, and what was more surprising was Greg the Badger noticed too and let out an audible sigh as he picked up the gear and started caning the rocks. Greg had the right idea, the complicated plot drags the viewer into a pit of wet cement, churning the entire movie into an encumbering chore that fails to entertain even the most crack-addled weasel.
No Time to Die is boring, and its twists and turns are set on such a soft curve that this thrill ride could put a 60-year-old steel worker with raging hemorrhoids to sleep in seconds. The lynch pin is its plot, a virus comprised of nano-bots are on the loose, and a maniac is now in possession of the world’s greatest weapon; a virus that can be programmed to kill specific people or whole swathes of a population. The virus idea would be fine, but it’s oddly executed, and the threat it should pose against the world is muted against the threat Covid-19 has already demonstrated. The story struggles to develop new characters’ arcs while simultaneously jet-setting us across the world at a pace that would shame Andrew Zimmerman. No Time to Die makes the same mistake as Skyfall; both films introduce their villains nearly one hour into their respective run times, and in both cases, it is a waste of superb acting talent.
The best Bond films introduce the villain to the audience as soon as possible. Casino Royale introduces us to Le Chiffre, played masterfully by Mads Mikkelson, early on in the film. Not only do we get a taste of the nefarious characters he does business with, but we also watch as he is backed into a corner. Le Chiffre shorts an airline stock whose value goes through the roof after Bond prevents a terrorist bombing against it. The value of the stock soars, leaving Le Chiffre holding the bag on his expired put option for a hefty one hundred million dollars. Intensifying Le Chiffre’s mistake, we learn from M, played by Judi Dench, that Le Chiffre made this bet with the money of a Ugandan warlord. This is a great example of character motivations blending seamlessly with plot.
Casino Royale had a long run time as well, but we discover bits and pieces to the story that drive the hero into the path of the villain with intense action sequences that greatly affect the characters. The stairwell fight between Bond and the Ugandan hit squad is incredibly impactful because the aftermath sets loose Vesper Lynd’s vulnerability, melts Bond’s hardened-heart, all while raising the stakes for Le Chiffre. None of that character depth is present in No Time to Die. Bond’s love interest from the previous film is more topical by comparison with cliché laden stakes and unremarkable arcs. All the while, the plot remains ancillary at best; at worst, it transforms every character into a foregone conclusion that fails to drive the story or entertain the audience.
One of its exhaustive qualities is the fact that No Time to Die has a story that is all over the place and meaningless. Oddly enough, all the exterior shots that push and pull the audience to new locations around the world are not labeled. Halfway through the film I nudged Greg and asked, “Where are they?”. Higher than a kite in a hurricane, Greg answered, “Somewhere.” Obviously, Bond shoots in and out of London, but I’d like to know the particulars and so would Greg.
Daniel Craig in No Time to Die. Photograph: Landmark Media/Alamy Stock Photo
There is a laziness to the way the film is shot. It transports the audience in and out of scenes with all the grace of a baboon crashing through the jungle. In one sequence, Bond is adrift at sea and gets rescued by a cruise liner. We fade to black and are shoved into several quickly cut-together shots of Bond taking the car cover off his Aston Martin before instantly appearing back in London. The way its shot makes it seem like Bond drove from Cuba to London. A hallmark of the Bond franchise has been highlighting the scope, scale, and beauty of international locations as the backdrop to nefarious schemes and espionage. No Time to Die gives the impression of a first-class flight, but this trip made me feel like I was wedged between contestants in the World Pie Eating Championship on a two-prop Cessna from Los Angeles to Australia.
I struggled to keep my attention on this Bond entry, and I am a skank for the James Bond series as a whole. I was the only sixth grader who watched Octopussy and, needless to say, the damage has been done. I usually have patience for a drawn-out Bond film and so does Greg, but neither one of us could understand why this film was made. I dare anyone to take Bond’s relationship with Madeleine seriously. They even try to sneak in Bond’s long-lost daughter halfway through. It is all so cliché, rushed, and ham-handed. The plot seems to follow what a bellhop tells Bond and Madeleine in the beginning regarding the local holiday, “out with the old, in with the new.” The first ten minutes of the film will make you wish the ending was five minutes away. No Time to Die feels as lively as a trip to the morgue. Greg isn’t the wisest of the weasels but he’s not wrong when he leaned over and remarked, “this is shite.”
